Indecision 2008

So I came to Cali for a break from NY. I expected to be working quite a bit and squeezing some friends in when I could, but I didn't expect to play this bluffing game with my Mom...She blackmails me when she doesn't want me to kick it with people she doesn't approve of by taking the car keys away from me, as if I'm some sixteen year old kid under punishment or something...As if I am not a 36 year old woman capable of making my own decisions and choices and mistakes if I have to, as if I need to stick around for her abuse...She is a prison guard. And it makes me not want to come back. It's not just that...It's also a combination of flaky people and disappointing encounters...one of my old "friends" was ruthlessly weasel-like to me because he was broke, but he had no class or tact in coming clean with it and all my girlfriends have children and so I am way on the back burner in their schedules...I am already getting a bit depressed here...I don't think an extended stay here would be beneficial for my mental health...But I'm also fighting myself on my feelings about Alex. I am taking this time away from him to think about if I want to subject myself to a relationship with him. I feel like I should just remain a stranger who showed him kindness once. I don't owe him anything. He is not entitled to be more important than me in our relationship. I am worth way more than that...God, the night before he was leaving, he couldn't even tell me why he wanted to be with me. I mean it was like, I was artistic and smart, and I was a good influence on him that way. It's not because he cares about me or anything. All he could do was to talk about himself. That's when I realized it. He was going on and on about what he wanted for himself, not for us...and all I could think was "I'm a stranger"...I said, "People sometimes mistake kindness for weakness..." and also, "Sometimes it is the kindness of strangers that is most impactful for you..." I also said, "I just didn't want to think of myself as a stranger..." And I almost went to bed after trying to communicate my feelings to him, being blown off, waved off like I was a dog or something because he was doing some computer work that was "so important"...But I came out the bedroom one last time before going to bed peacefully and I said to him, "I hope you get everything you want Alex..." You know what? Dil called me today even though I flaked on him last time we were supposed to meet. I realize that he actually really does give a sh*t about me and he's together and he's all these things that Alex is not. I am tired of being with someone who doesn't have the patience to listen to me. Yes, it has been a power struggle, and I so tired of fighting to have respect in my own living space. I also don't feel that I should have to be responsible for Alex and have all my needs go to the wayside. He expects too much from me.