Rewrote this little poem rant about Tshirt...I had been confused about him because he only tried to show me his workface for a long long time

REVISED ENTRY: 12/24/10

So confused for a while,

So many factors, and there is no transparency,
It's all wrong, and I have had to hide things for him, and I'm not hidden, I'm the one who knows too much,
I've also seen too much, heard too much.
For a while, I had seen only his "work face",
until seeping in between the cracks,
came his true character...
making his face evil...

He treats me as if I'm his secretary or Girl Friday,
He is the villain, "Super Baby Daddy" spreading his sperm indiscriminately in as many vaginal cavities as humanly possible...desperately trying to imprison the women,
who were cursed with him as their partner in parenthood...
keeping them in shackles and strings of bullying untruths...

and at first, from that tornado which had swept me up that was named Kai,
I was busy, lost in HIS lives,
looking for where my own life began...
and the eye of the storm keeps moving,
letting up at certain points,
enough to let me recognize,
that something was wrong with his intentions,
because they had been hidden...
I was in need of finding my own...
creating my own...
owning my own...
because he thinks so highly of himself,
without giving thought to anyone else, selfish;
to even his offspring,
it is never going to be enough for him to just manipulate
because he is not anything noble,
he is only high, a user of drugs, of people...the majority of the time,
so big in his own mind.

Kai is ridiculous,
expects that close attention be paid to him and his bitch fit rants,
his tantrums about his hierarchical philosophy on "commitment" and being a "professional" and the levels he has defined with the diarrhea of his mouth,
his endless tirades about being a part of the solution...
All of that "bird's eye viewpoint" bs,
as if he had some perception that wasn't warped by his
lack of integrity in everything...
He lies so much he believes all his yarns now...
He is a person who used his kids to keep me on his side for their sake.
He is a person who has a long list of people who end up almost shanking him after spending time with him...And I used to wonder why?!

Please save all your crap for another...
I am not tha one...

You thought I would be with you in the end?
That's what you told me that night before I never came back anymore...

But then again Kai, you also predicted very early, before we started living together, that it would end in disaster, and I couldn't understand why...Now I know it was because you must've always had ulterior motives in mind...and had known it then before revealing that to me...

With time comes clarity though...Your evil face is clear as day now...

Working for Mom left me Homeless and Jobless...

I can't believe the events of the last couple of months and here I am, with all my stuff in storage and having to find a job QUICK...It's a long story...I basically stood up for K because Mom towed the car he had worked on, the one the tenant who moved out gave him the key to and was going to sign a release of liability on after she offered it to a Mexican worker without even asking K about it...She fired K after they argued about the car and gave him 72 hours to vacate the premises...Then she told the new manager she hired Mike AKA "punk ass mofo" that he could break in with a paper clip after he bold faced lied about K moving all his stuff out...That is illegal...Then she asked me for his key and I wouldn't give it to her, so she said she was going to kick me out onto the street with nothing because she was going to rip up all my stuff...Anyways, I didn't mean to get in the middle, but empirically right is empirically right and I'm not a bullsh*t person...

The support and love from my friends and my new therapist has been incredible...Joelle says I've still got so much love in the Bay and I found out that was true...Joe AKA Ader especially has been so helpful...And also my buddies in NY...Shoutouts to Leslie, Fred and to Lisa H and Tomoko and Kev...

Just call me the Cleanup Woman...

So the only way I've decided it can be done is to get my hands dirty and my Mom doesn't want me to do such things as clean (there's that 50's divide where girls took home ec and boys took woodshop), but what she doesn't understand, what she doesn't see is that I'm not a girly girl and there is no reliable manpower (You can't trust anyone else to do the job sometimes except yourself)...

REVISED 12/16/10 - I took a trip to St. Louis with Kai and his other baby mama and their kid. I stayed on in St. Louis to sightsee and check out Wash U. when they left and it was really sweet of Mandy his cousin to give me a place to crash with her husband Mike...Really great people. Mandy's bro AJ asked me what I thought of Kai. I told him I was on the fence at that time. I wasn't sure if he was a good guy with bad intentions or a bad guy with good intentions or just a bad guy with bad intentions...Now I'm sure he's a pretty bad guy so it doesn't matter his intentions...He had me fooled at first with his work face and it took me showing him in front of his longtime friend Tino that I would not put up with him abusing me or our living arrangement.

Back to it...

Here I am in Cali driving and spending time with Mom and old and dear friends...I tried to telecommute from 360 Mediawatch my employer in LIC, but it was too time consuming and even though I only started this week, it has been a week of no sleep or sleep for only two hours at a time since I had only a space of night/early morning to get the work done and I also work during the day for Mom...I quit yesterday...Been pretty good though otherwise...Have decided to pursue my real estate license just because my Mom put it to me this way, it's just more knowledge that I would have...I'd been fighting it for years, but I'm finally giving in...

Anyways, have been pretty much on the health tip...Joined a gym and am enjoying it...I have to say that I'm getting settled back into the Bay...

REVISED 12/16/10 - Yeah, reading this old post gave me the epiphany that this really didn't sound like me at all...I was so confused about everything before...It's all a lot clearer now and none of this is right...

Moving back to Cali...

Selling all my furniture and even my apartment and moving back to Cali...

I'll be missing New York for the trains, the DJ Skeme Richards nights, the graff shows, my doppelganger Steven, sweet Gus at Tom's Restaurant, Sal the Yemenese bodega guy, lunches with Joan, hanging out and dinners with Greg, my therapist and case worker, my kitchen...but I am looking forward to spending time with my Mom and my girls...and all the kids...

Milk regrets some stuff...

Drunk B-Ball Players?

Milk says I'd dunk on you...

Churches are off limits for bombing...

Milk says Churches are off limits for bombing (painting tags)...Faith is important for people to develop compassion for one another, though the religion is unimportant as long as you do unto others as you would have them do unto you...

Phew...Finally, some alone time...

It's been a few months since I kicked A out...which has been super healthy for me...He is no good for me. He has been trying to get at me so much since then. I politely take his phone calls and just say I'm busy. Steven and I were talking about it. We both have these relationships where we're good friends to people, but other people have no idea how to be friends to us...I pride myself on being a good friend to people. That's one character trait I have if I have nothing else.

Dil was pretty wack to me, too...In the end, though I know it's because he felt he was waiting in the wings for so long, he was cheating on his girlfriend Denise with me by using language with me that was definitely not friendly, it was aggressive, and I didn't put it together until I realized that the only times he talked to me on the phone were when he was running errands outside of the house. I got annoyed with how he would get distracted when he was the one calling me and then I realized he couldn't call me because Denise didn't know we were "friends". I gave him an ultimatum, either he had to tell her the truth, that I was his friend, or I wouldn't talk to him anymore because he was putting me in the uncomfortable and unwanted position of being his other woman. Yuck! How creepy?! Anyways, I texted him not to call me until he could come correct to me, even after he apologized to me. I also realized how roundabout he is dealing with other people, too. He gave me Chino's email and asked me to write him for him and forward a pdf file to him. I thought that was strange, but I did it for him because I've always heard about Chino and thought I would introduce myself at the same time. Then they started hanging out and all Dil would do is drop his name and tell me everytime he called. I think he wanted to impress me. Honestly, his name dropping was really one of my pet peeves with him. Anyways, I had to apologize to Chino because he was getting bombarded by people he didn't know who wanted him to write him up in the mag or get a spot in his book and he said that to me at a show. Anyways, that was embarassing for me because I realized a while later that he didn't know me when I emailed him either. But it's all good because now I feel like I straightened it out, I apologized to him, and he's peoples because he was so gracious...I felt badly for him at shows because I knew that was what he was feeling when people just go up to him and try to get all in his face about the books because he's really doing something by publishing stuff and not a lot of people take the initiative.

Even though school is really tough for me right now, I am having a good time in the other part of my life. I love YNN!

Thanks Mom...

I love my Moms, and it's been a rocky road...I know we've had our differences, but I owe her thanks for being supportive of me...and giving me the space and strength to be a stronger person.

A Lot of Love for my Family...

It's not easy being a female sometimes...This is a confession for my peoples...

I don't know how to talk to other women in the scene. I don't know how to jock people. Sometimes I don't know how to do anything but fight. I know one thing though. I know how to spot a jealous groupie toy. Unfortunately, it's from being naive and trusting that everyone has a redeeming quality. That's a bunch of bs.

Okay, I know two things. I also know who my peoples are and I'm going to stick with them from now on...

The Nooks of Brooklyn...

A sign of the times...

Milk doesn't love liquor...except for baileys...

Milk wears adidas...Puma doesn't have the 2's and 3's...