only one year left until my forties...

I found the key to my fate by looking at a penny that had no date...just a brick in the wall...longtime frienemies now dispelled and greener pastures in the horizon as the Filipino community in sf has been gracious enough to give us shelter...so much for Koreans (note the self-loathing still exists).Toebe told me I am the most well-balanced between American and Asian Asian-American he's ever met. That was a compliment, I know what he meant when he said it, but I have an explanation. I am full-blooded Korean and have never been confused about that part of my identity. I grew up with Asians of all nations and I was born in this country. Toebe says I'm like a 3rd or 4th generation in my assimilation. Personally I think they have it harder. I know how to read, write and speak Korean because it was my first language and I grew up with it even though I do not hardly practice the use of the language now. I have mentioned I am a Mason. I am part of the world's social experimental melting pot and I represent North Korea or maybe Mongolia if you go back even farther but I am the first generation (1.5) to be born here. But I do not favor any race in particular, too. I have lost respect and patience for everyone except those who see me for what I am, human. Before that ancient calendar abruptly stops, I am given the opportunity for happiness and heaven and my fear is that it will have been an illusion when I am in the last year of my thirties. When I close my eyes and try to sleep at night my mind is active thinking about how to survive day to day but when I dream the nightmares come and I am constantly fighting memories of abuse past when those "loved" ones really didn't love me in a healthy way, as if wearing a suit of spikes asking for hugs. I have the chance now to start this new life with my husband and I am not afraid of anything except for losing him. I guess the great beast has fallen. I am in love. Perhaps all of the tribulations was enough karma payback to make that trade. I feel like I was owed something from the universe with all the negativity going on in my life.