I have been seeing Alex, which is probably not so surprising since we got quite, well, "weirdly" close in the hospital. The first night he showed up in the ward, we spent a few long hours together before bedtime in the Activity Room alone, just the two of us, and there were periods of long silence so deafening you could feel the tension between us. I remember thinking he was strange, but attractive, and I wanted to leave him so many times because of the languorous awkwardnesses, but I stayed. And he told me to stay with him. That's right. TOLD me, "Stay" when he saw me fidgeting like I was going to get up at that moment. I felt like he had something he wanted to say to me the whole time.
The tension from that night continued up until he was released actually, just yesterday. In the hospital, we would sit by the back window of the dining room in chairs positioned right next to each other for hours on end, but it was seriously innocent between us, we really just liked each other's company after awhile 'cuz we were like little kids together (activities included setting up rubber band shooting ranges with cups, developing characters for a screenplay, playing "six degrees of Kevin Bacon, but with different actors"...) though we needed to be right next to each other and those were times we were loving with one other. It was quite sweet really. I had heard an old R&B/Soul song on the radio one night by Earth, Wind & Fire before he came into the hospital "Love's Holiday" and it had stayed with me. There's something so classy about those old soul songs which is so different from these newer crude jams, just that the singer had the couth to ask,
"Would you mind if I touch,
If I kiss, if I held you tight
In the morning light
Would you mind if I said how I felt tenderly tonight
Again cause
I never ever felt this way in my heart before
Love has a holiday in my heart tonight
Would you mind if I looked
Into your eyes till Im hypnotized
And I lose my pride
Would you mind if I make love to you till Im satisfied
Again cause
I never ever felt this way in my heart before
Love has a holiday in my heart tonight"
One time towards the beginning of his stay, he was ranting about the injustices inflicted upon him and I could see how angst he was and how misunderstood he felt, angry, turning more and more oh so angry, so I asked him for his notebook and wrote in it, "I've got only one question for you. Will YOU LET me love you?" because it was the question that I wanted him to know was important. I was willing to love him at that moment. He just needed to accept it. I told him I had heard the song and that I thought he needed to hear that because of how that topic of conversation was making him feel. Maybe he didn't know what I meant by that. I meant that I cared. I was listening to him. I know about dysfunctional family and toxic people, feeling like I'm surrounded by those who are mean and hateful for no good reason except that I exist, that I am who I am and maybe that I have the unfortunate circumstance of being in the same space or that we happen to run in the same circles. I was actually kinda surprised by my boldness. But I meant it. Because he needed me. Not just somebody. He needed me. And I needed him to need me.
Alex was always super protective of me and was very tempermental when other men talked to me, which I actually thought was kinda cute. Yeah, that could be construed as being overly possessive, he didn't want anyone else to have my attention, but honestly, I felt like that was kinda macho (He is a NYC-born Latin male, after all) and so different from C who's known me since 22 and who had met me hanging out with a room full of guys, so he was never possessive of me like that because he knew from jump that I was treated like one of the guys, that I was part of the crew. Alex always makes it known that I am a woman. And tonight we went to see, "I Am Legend" at the IMAX Loews Theater at Lincoln Center and he was stewing and tired after a sleepless night, cranky, because tix cost $16 apiece. But I still love him. I have yet to figure out what that means. I just got out of this relationship with C, but my feelings for Alex are genuinely deep. They go beyond just going on a date with someone whom I might or might not see again or even care about yet really. I've already developed feelings for him. I know he's a part of my life.
On New Year's Eve, while sitting waiting for the ball to drop and for that excruciatingly drag-on night to be over in the usual seats we shared at the back window of the Dining Room, the Charge Nurse came up to us and said we were too close together and that he was watching us (meanwhile Wendy and Edwin had made out already and were trying to work it so they could get it on in the Laundry Room, and that went totally unnoticed by the staff), as if we were twelve year olds caught naked in the dark of a basement or something, but seriously, nothing physical beyond a light braising of the arm or my leg pressing against his ever transpired between us. Later Wendy, like a sixth grader, asked me if I had gotten any action with Alex, trying to compare notes. I was kinda naive, I guess, compared to her, and didn't think it was a good idea to confuse matters by getting together with Alex in the hospital though I started to wonder what it would be like if we were alone together outside of the hospital setting. Wendy bet me that we would see each other outside of the hospital. What happened when we were on the outside, well, that would be different...And it is different now...What's up with my hospital experience sounding like a summer at camp or something?
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