C and I broke up. Yeah, he was only down for self, which is illustrated in how he treated my Mom in the end and also in how he took the Apple remote base station when he left the apartment that he GAVE ME for Christmas last year. Granted, his Mom had given it to him and he just wrapped it up and regifted it to me, but the point was that in our whole relationship, all I have done is give and all he has done is taken. That's not a good match. There were red flags in the beginning of our relationship, too, so I should've known better, but I fooled myself into thinking that maybe he'd changed from when we were younger. He was irresponsible then and he still is. See, I had bought a computer for him for which he is supposed to pay me back and this happened just a few weeks before I took off from the apartment. All the time that I had been in the hospital he never even made one payment. I had also given him my old 30 GB Ipod, but did he leave that or give me anything for it? No, of course he took it with him without paying me a penny for it. So, why was I in the hospital, you ask?
Well, it was the same old pain. I finalized my divorce with Altered States and especially the members that caused me so much grief. Ah, the technological era, a blog debate in which I was able to vent all my grievances and also to hear the other party's lack of argument to my grievances and so I was angry for a period of days, totally upset, and then Crayone (a latter addition to AS) asked C to be his friend on MySpace in the middle of the debate which he tried to facilitate (when I in fact had been the one to reacquaint them) and hadn't asked to be my friend. I felt that was the underhanded way to keep me tied to the crew without acknowledging that I had every right to beef, discounting all my feelings using the " it's man business" excuse and to also get to me through my boyfriend. HA! I'm more "man" than any of those fools. At least I'm not a Mama's Boy who sponges off of my partner. Is that manly? I was so hurt and upset because who is it that was supportive of C and was living with C and he didn't even have my back? Were those people in Cali who proved to be gossipy, small-minded leeches do anything except for make him feel bad most of the time do anything for him? No! I did...C was just seduced by Crayone's fame as an artist. That's when I couldn't even look at him anymore.
C actually showed his true colors and raised his voice to me, snapping at me. I got angry and told him to get the f*ck out of my apartment then. After a few sleepless nights not being able to even stand being in the same room with him, I told him nicely that he had couple of months to find a new place to live. I felt a bit bad about it because I didn't know how he was going to do it. The red flags were coming back to haunt me. See, in Cali, he had gotten a DUI and had lost his license and though I had told him to jump on it and take the required classes the court had ordered, he hadn't done anything about it the whole time he had been living in New York, and in the meantime did not even have a New York ID yet because of that debacle, not to mention he also owed EDD about $8000 for working and taking money from them at the same time. Unemployment is a major government agency and now he's ineligible for their benefits for the rest of his life. So, he had those debts, and also student loans which he owed for attending CCAC from which he did not even graduate. He dropped out his Junior year, but owes about $40,000. So, I knew those were red flags. And also he'd met my adopted Dad, Ink76, and Ink didn't think much of him, calling him my "boy toy". And also Dil. Dil warned me a week before I was going out to Cali last June to help him move out to this coast that it was a bad idea. Man, was he right! See, they saw what I didn't see. That C was not my equal. He wasn't "man" enough to stand up and be down with my familia. After I broke up with him and asked him to leave, C tried to be affectionate with me still and I could not even stand his touch. It was as if he was just trying to save his ass and that creeped me out, so I told him he had 30 days instead, and then I couldn't even take it that that was so far off and knew he wasn't taking me seriously and would never move out in that amount of time, so I did what I've done since I was six years old. I ran away, took a few things and just left in the night. I'd had a fight with my Ed teacher that night too, and I couldn't tell my Mom what was going on because she'd just throw it in my face that I brought C to live with me in New York and I felt badly about his ID problem, plus she'd been very upset and was taking her problems with her own lack of judgments in her relationships out on me for the last month and half too...Anyways, I stayed on the streets for a few days and nights and the police finally got me for writing on a bathroom wall stall at the Atlantic Avenue station and then that was dismissed and I was sent to Elmhurst Hospital for about six weeks. The first three weeks, I wouldn't talk. And then, one day I called Ink. After that, Ink called C when I told him what was up with me and then my Mom was contacted by C. I didn't realize it, but the whole entire network of people that know me were all searching for me. My Mom had hired a private Detective (no other agency would take the case) and had talked with alot my friends. Most people involved were convinced I was dead because I had been missing for so long with no contact with any of them. I took off on the 12th of November 2007 and was hospitalized on the 20th of November. I just got released on the 3rd of January 2008. The cops that I dealt with knew where I was and I had a great time with them the night I was sent first to Bellevue, and then finally to Elmhurst Hospital in Queens. One of the cops who took me told me that the private Dicks ould be looking for me. He was the coolest.
Oh sure, all my friends in Cali said C was such a nice guy and that he loves me so much when I tell them that we broke up, finally getting in touch with them after leaving the hospital and then they try to defend him, but they don't really know him. He's nice on the surface, but that's only because he was able to pull the wool over their eyes just because he's soft-spoken.
My buddy Ed said that people don't reach these opinions about their relationships until they're in their 40's, so I'm a bit ahead of the game and at least we didn't get married or anything. I found out when my Mom first got into contact with me that she had thrown C out at the end of November. Our first visit was excruciating. I think she was just insulted that I had called Ink first and also was afraid of how I would take it that she had kicked C out. That was perfect actually, but she didn't know it. I had to explain to her that I need a Dad sometimes and Ink fills that void for me and that I hoped she might understand that. See, my own biological Dad split when I was two, so I've always lacked that important figure in my life. I think once we cleared up those issues, we got back to loving each other. Since my last hospitalization, Mom's been nice enough to help me the mortgage and management fees and the Electricity bill while I'm not working and in school, even while C was living with me. So basically, C got a free ride and all we split was the Cable bill and also the gas bill which was nothing. He had enough time to pay off a lot of his debts and he got a computer and an Ipod out of it. Just like in those old Looney Toons cartoons, I feel like a sucker.
The first time Mom came out from Cali to look for me was shortly after Thanksgiving. She gave C until then to get out of the apartment because she felt that he hadn't been doing enough to find me, was kind of nonchalant about it, and he wasn't Mom's kid. Why should he stay in the apartment without me there when it was my Mom who owns the place? C's Mom came out from Cali for about two weeks and stayed at our place. I guess C had taken one of my suitcases claiming it was his, but my Mom knew that wasn't the truth because she was the one who purchased it for me. That was what she was angry about. She also wasn't sure how much of the stuff he took from the apartment was his. My Mom came to visit at the end of December and one night that she had made plans with C so that he could come by the apartment to return the suitcase and grab some more stuff. I was on speakerphone when he called speaking very nicely to my Mom saying that he could not make it, could they do it the next day? He didn't know I was listening. Anyways, the next day passes and Mom wasn't supposed to come visit, but she showed up furious. Apparently, C brought HIS mom and she started a fight with my Mom and they ganged up on her. He told her a bunch of bullsh*t that she was livid about until I could tell her that it was a bunch of made-up stuff. 1) I begged him to move in with me. BULLSH*T! Mom said he said it several times. Now, in the beginning of our relationship, I told him upfront that I would NEVER ask anyone to move anywhere FOR me because I would never move anywhere for anyone unless I had a reason to be in that city. And I told him I didn't want it thrown in my face in the end if something happened between us and it didn't work out. I always said it was all on him. Who really sacrificed something? 2) He said he advertised my Mom's listings on Craigslist. Another Bullsh*t story! He never once did any of the listings. 3) He bought this crappy junky chest of drawers and expected that I would accept $150 deducted from the computer costs for it. 4) He told my Mom we made a contract in the beginning of living together that he would pay $250 for living expenses and really, who's going to pay $250 for an apartment in New York City? 5) He went through MY filing cabinet. 6) He told Mom that if she hadn't beat the shi*t out of me as a kid that I wouldn't be so f*cked up today. Firstly, that's not his business and secondly, he should be grateful to her. 7) Why grateful? Because Mom never charged us rent, nor did she do anything but take him out to dinner and also give him money. I told him a few times when I got irritated with him freaking out about his debts that he should be grateful that he didn't have to pay rent. Those had been the first times that I became irritated with him up until we had the dispute over Crayone and his lack of having my back. Also, his Mom had stayed at our place too and did not even say thank you. 8) He said cruelly to my Mom "You don't even know how to speak English!"...
Anyways, I guess it's all or nothing with me. I made the mistake of trying to have a relationship with someone from Cali, someone who didn't know how to survive in NY and who was dependent on me for friendships, a place to stay, help with buying a computer, basically everything except for getting a job at Trader Joe's (he managed to transfer from the Cali store to the Manhattan one)...Well, I learned my lesson.
LATER added 1/14/08...After a few days of cooling out, I have befriended C once again...He and I have too much history, shared too much stuff, have too much in common, to not be friends...Plus he is writing a letter to my Mom apologizing for his quick temper at their last meeting and also to thank her for her generosity in giving him a place to stay...and I wrote one to his Mom thanking her for her efforts in trying to find me...Mom gave me a valuable piece of advice in the hospital, that one of the four tenets of the Chinese is that 3) If you hate someone, that person will come back into your life again and again. I have concluded that we are not right for one another, but we still have a lot of love for one another...
See, we will always have the night we went to Spie's Port of SF party by the ocean. I actually first glimpsed C at an Oakland house party when I was like 22. He hadn't seen me because he was preoccupied. I had been hanging with my buddy Trav and I noticed C 'cuz he was fine as hell back in the day and he was all alone in the living room of the party, plus he was taking art off the wall and placing it in other places on the wall and then he started setting paper on fire on the coffee table. I said to Trav, "Oh, he's fine..." and Trav turned to me and said, "Well, he's psycho...just your type." We didn't meet that night. It would be another three weeks until I would officially make his acquaintance. He was hanging out at Andy and Marlon's crib and I had swung by to pick them up to head off to Spie's party. There was enough room in my '65 Ford Fairlane and it was a perfect full moon that night, plus the party was amazing. About twenty feet away from the tables, there was no sound because the ocean made for great soundproofing of the acoustics, so it was totally the perfect spot to have the party, no threat of the cops breaking it up. Once we got to the party, all the boys scattered and it was just me and C standing there in the moonlight. That's when he just wordlessly held my hand. He was shy. And it was the perfect thing to do. There was no word of communication needed.
About three weeks later, we started dating. We broke up nine months later because I had moved to Brooklyn midway through our relationship and we were too young to have a serious relationship, I didn't think he was "the one" and the long distance was too much of a bother. Fastforward to 2006, we got back into touch through MySpace and then started talking on the phone. I learned he had had a near-fatal car crash and felt that that dark cloud above his head in his youth had finally disappeared because the crash somehow gave him a renewed vitality. That's how we got back together in December of that year.
Even Later...Did C actually write the letter of apology to my Mom? Nope...I've realized the reason that we didn't work. He always SAYS the "right" thing or what he thinks I want to hear, but never follows through, so it never really is the right thing...To be fair, though, C returned my Ipod when it stopped working properly and has almost paid off the balance on the computer, though I am disappointed to say that C told me his Mom suggested that he just take off without his forwarding info and ditch on paying off the computer...Luckily, C could not do that to me...Plus I made him sign a contract anyhow...I would've sued...You don't think I watch Judge Mathis, Maria Lopez and Judy for nothing?!
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