Progress

Two weeks have passed, and Alex is being released on Thursday. I, myself, have found employment, after having fielded all sorts of phone calls from concerned loved ones and also creditors, going through my two months of built-up mail, and hundreds of emails the first couple of days of being set free once again. School was a nightmare to deal with. After much counsel from several sources, especially my VESID counselor, I have decided to forgo the coming Spring semester and return to school in the Fall because I have incurred a balance, and this was not due to my grades (which were failing ones due to the absence from classes, assignments, tests and finals...). It is because when I switched my major in the fall and dropped the Chem classes, all my financial aid reneged anyway. So I decided it would be best to find employment and pay off my balance myself and not try to scrounge up the money somehow because I'd have to borrow it, and it was all too stressful to accomplish that in only a couple weeks. Luckily, I was able to get retroactive withdrawals from my classes so my GPA is back to a 3.4. As long as I pay back the balance before July, I'll be able to go back in the Fall. And my VESID counselor told me they would keep my case open.

My Mental Health Network is wonderful in New York. I really do like my therapist, psychiatrist and ICM Worker. I feel very lucky to have found such a solid support system. My therapist has made me question my motivations. Why did I think going to the streets was the right answer for me when it was my apartment in the first place? My first answer is that I've been running away since the age of six to the streets. It's kind of all I know. But I burst out crying in session because I know that's wrong and I never cry. My therapist says I punish myself and she thinks it goes back to how I was treated as a kid, that I feel I must punish myself. I realized I really do try to punish myself. At my job interview, one of my interviewers asked me, "What would a past employer say is your worst trait?" and I said, "I don't know what someone else might say about me..." She then said, "Well, what would YOU say is your worst trait?" and to this I answered, "I take on too much sometimes, and I try to take care of everyone and everything else, but when it comes to me, I don't really take care of myself as I should. I'm my last priority, but that's something I'm working on." Luckily the interviewer leaned over and kind of quietly said, "I'm the same way." The other thing I've told myself to work on too is asking people for help. I'm terrible at it.

Mom is always stressed out these days with her business, especially with lawsuits, and is constantly trying to get me to move back to Cali, not to mention she's been trying to matchmake me with a Korean dentist and also a Civil Engineer. But I am already imagining my life or non-life in Cali, how she would always use guilt to make me feel bad about myself and then would gradually take control of every aspect of my life. At least in New York, I am so far away from her I feel as though I can make my own decisions and live somewhat peaceably, see who I want to, do the things I like to do. I told her to give me a couple years to finish out my degree at Brooklyn College. When else am I going to get the opportunity to get free tuition, books and transpo paid for? And I really don't want to let go of my support network either. It's finally nearly perfect except that my psychiatrist doesn't approve of graff and is very vocal about his disapproval of it. Other than that, I really do like him.

Since leaving the hospital, I have been out on a couple of accidental dates with Dil. I didn't realize how he felt about me. He really did try to literally jump on me as soon as I let him know he was right about C moving in with me and that we were no longer seeing one another. Anyways, after an awkward confession that included an apology on his part for being so enthusiastic so soon after my breakup, I had to tell him I wasn't ready for anything serious. And his style is so different from C's. C's not a braggadocious kind of guy, but Dil blows himself up so much you would think he was part hot air balloon and that he would start floating off into the sky at any moment. I have to admit the attention was flattering especially because all through college I didn't date anyone for all four years, but I don't think we have that kind of chemistry. It's pretty amazing because I've consistently been seeing someone for the last couple of years, but no one that seriously until C. I consider him my 2nd and 3rd boyfriend and I know that's not so much for a 35 year old woman. It's just that I'm always surprised that someone wants to date ME. Yeah, it's a self-esteem issue. Alex told me he always gets involved with women who have the attitude, "If I can't have you, then no one else can..." I guess it could be worse. Actually, I am relieved to have my own place again and that I am free once again, no longer in a relationship with C. That sounds awful, but I am reminded that I am lucky by a conversation with my homegirl Lisa. She told me tales of her other best friend's materialism causing money management problems and all her baby's daddy drama (him constantly in and out of jail, him being seen around town with other females in HER car)...not to mention her sister has a crazed ex who lives in her home, has two kids with her on top of his other six kids, who puts his hands on her and now is stalking her like a psychotic, threatening her at her two jobs making her life miserable. So yeah, could be worse. I could have children with a crazed maniacal man who cheats on me and uses me for my money. My Mom and I have gotten closer. I think this is because she wants to share her hatred for men with me. She seems to think that all of a sudden I understand how she stayed in a twenty year loveless and abusive marriage. I think she's projecting a lot of how she feels about relationships onto my situation with C. This is because when I told her C was writing her an apology letter after I said it was the right thing to do, she got really angry, saying roughly that she didn't trust anything he said and that he wasn't sincere about being sorry.